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So I’m going to post! I’m in increasingly bad shape paper-wise, but for some reason it just isn’t bothering me all that much.
Also, I’ve been poking around on Eden to avoid doing real work, and I’ve come to realize that I really, really want a harness. Specifically, the Jaguar harness. Now, this is a little strange because I’m currently partner-less, and thus have no one to use it on. But I’m just ridiculously attracted to the Jaguar: it looks so cool. I don’t really know what I’d do with it at this point, but I want it.
(For more hilariously bad cakes, see Cake Wrecks.)
Today is my birthday! I’m 24. I had the following conversation with my sister this morning:
Sister: Happy Birthday! 24 is a pretty useful number. It’s divisible by lots of things.
Toygirl: Yeah, but 23 was prime, and that was pretty awesome, too.
Sister: True. We’re nerds.
I have been gifted a Waterproof Turbo Glider Blueberry by Backseat Boohoo, who is a total sweetie and didn’t know how good her timing was!
Otherwise, I’m still kind of sick and still working on papers, so it’s not going to be my best birthday ever. My present to myself will be getting one of my drafts done!
Well, 2008 wasn’t that great for me, since it was filled with PTSD and depression. I’m hoping 2009 will be better: I’m coming off of some of the medication I’ve been on, and hopefully the side effects will go away.
There were, however, some really good things about 2008. My favorite part of 2008 was, hands down, June through August, when I biked across the USA with Bike and Build. Bike and Build runs 7 cross-country bike trips for the 18-26 crowd, each with 30 people. Every cyclist is responsible for raising at least $4,000 for affordable housing before the start of the trip. We averaged about 100 miles a day, and about once a week we stopped and did a build with a local Habitat for Humanity chapter. If you have the monet and you’d like to donate to a charity, let me recommend Bike and Build: it’s an amazing and growing non-profit, and the affordable housing cause has never been more important.
It was an amazing experience: I learned how to do a bunch of practical construction and repair stuff, made good friends with 30 other service-oriented students, and became a black-belt cyclist. My trip went through the Southwest, and I’d never been there before (it’s beautiful). I’m considering doing it again in 2010 and maybe doing the Northern US route this time.
The best part of the trip, though, was the fact that every time we did a build, we were building right alongside the family that was going to live in that particular house. We met a lot of truly amazing people who volunteer for Habitat. There are people who are genuinely trying to help others. I’m so jaded that I needed to be reminded of that.
As for 2009, I’ve never been one for resolutions, but I’d really like not to be depressed anymore. I’m making that my number 1 goal for this year. I don’t want to deal with any more flashbacks, panic attacks, nightmares, or suicidal thoughts. I want to feel normal again. I don’t want to let my abuse run my life. And I’m hoping if I say that out loud enough times, I’ll be able to get better.
Well, I’m back from break, and since my university is one of the few that has finals *after* break, I have returned to a long, painful slog of text production. That’s right: papers. Like, six of them.
Urgh. Wish me luck. I’m sure I’ll be around plenty (procrastination!!!).
Well, I somehow managed to make it home, despite the fact that there was a *ground hold* at the airport I flew out of. It’s weird to say “home”, actually: I’m a grad student now, with a real apartment that’s technically “home”. But it doesn’t feel right to say that I’m now in “my parents’ house”, since it is the house I grew up in. Anyway.
I’m now home. I had forgotten how freakin’ COLD my parents keep the house. So, I’m cold and I’m a little miserable. I don’t know if it’s the holiday blues or what, but I miss my ex a lot. It’s totally screwed up: he abused me, and I’m still in love with him. Every time I think about him I cry, because of the trauma and because I still want to be with him. I want him back. I know it’s stupid, but I can’t stop feeling this way. If he came to me today and asked me to take him back, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I fantasize all the time about him wanting me back. I’m miserable.
It’s all a moot point, since he got rid of me as soon as he could. I still talk to him sometimes, and I think he’s sorry for messing me up so much. I don’t want to go into the details of why our situation was so traumatic, but he’s a really screwed-up person. Lots of bad stuff has happened to him, and it makes it difficult to be angry with him for what happened. I’m trying to move on, but I’m tired. I’m starting to think I’ll never get over it. I miss him a lot.
On a totally different note, the LayaSpot and the B-naughty came home with me. I’ll try to have a review of the latter up soon.
So, I bought a LELO Iris and Nea off of ebay, and the seller seems to have taken my money and run. Doesn’t really look like there’s anything I can do about it, either. I am NOT pleased.
Update: The good folks at eBay have given me the money I lost towards a future purchase, so everything seems to have worked out alright in the end. 🙂 I honestly wasn’t expecting them to do anything, so it was a nice surprise.